Lord of the Jokes

I asked ChatGPT to write a screenplay based on The Lord of the Rings. Include a joke contest between hobbits and dwarves. The result is crazy and a little explicit.

FADE IN:

EXT. THE PRANCING PONY TAVERN – DAY

The Prancing Pony Tavern is filled with hobbits and dwarves, all gathered for a dirty joke contest. The two groups sit at opposite ends of the room, eyeing each other with suspicion and anticipation.

BILBO BAGGINS, a hobbit, stands at the front of the room, ready to kick off the contest.

BILBO Welcome, everyone, to the first-ever Hobbit vs. Dwarf dirty joke contest! The rules are simple: each round, we’ll take turns telling a dirty joke. The first one to crack up or give up loses the round. And the winner gets bragging rights for the rest of the night!

GIMLI, a dwarf, steps forward, cracking his knuckles.

GIMLI We dwarves have a reputation for being dirty and crude. Let’s see if you hobbits can keep up!

Bilbo grins and steps forward.

BILBO We hobbits may be small, but we can be pretty damn dirty when we want to be. Are you ready?

The dwarves and hobbits cheer, and the contest begins.

ROUND ONE

GIMLI Why did the dwarf bring a ladder to the party? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!

The dwarves laugh and cheer, but the hobbits just roll their eyes.

BILBO That’s cute, Gimli. But let me tell you a real joke. What do you call a dwarf’s mother who’s had so many partners, she’s practically a brothel? A gold mine!

The hobbits erupt in laughter, but the dwarves scowl and mutter under their breath.

ROUND TWO

GIMLI What do you call a hobbit’s mother who’s had so many partners, she’s practically a street corner? A hobbit hole!

The dwarves roar with laughter, but the hobbits look offended.

BILBO That’s it? That’s your big joke? Let me show you how it’s done. What’s the difference between a dwarf’s mother and a doorknob? Nothing, they both get turned by every Tom, Dick, and Harry!

The hobbits howl with laughter, but the dwarves look ready to start a fight.

ROUND THREE

GIMLI What do you call a hobbit’s mother who’s so hairy, she looks like a dwarf? A shaggy dog!

The dwarves cackle, but the hobbits are disgusted.

BILBO You want to talk about hairy? What do you call a dwarf’s mother who’s so smelly down there, even the Balrog couldn’t handle it? The Mines of Moria!

The hobbits erupt in laughter, but the dwarves are fuming.

ROUND FOUR

GIMLI You think you’re so clever, hobbits? Let me show you how a real dirty joke is done. What’s the difference between a hobbit and a donut? Nothing, they’re both sweeter with a little glaze!

The dwarves snicker, but the hobbits are unimpressed.

BILBO A donut? That’s your big joke? Let me show you how it’s really done. What’s the difference between Frodo’s mother and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball!

The hobbits collapse in laughter, but the dwarves are beside themselves with rage.

Suddenly, a tall figure steps forward from the crowd. It’s ARAGORN, the ranger.

ARAGORN Enough! This contest has gone on long enough. But before we end it, I have one more joke to tell. What’s the difference between Fro

do’s mother and Mount Doom?

The room falls silent as Aragorn pauses for dramatic effect.

ARAGORN (CONT’D) One is a fiery chasm that consumes everything that enters it, and the other is a volcano!

The room erupts in laughter, with both hobbits and dwarves unable to control themselves. Even Bilbo and Gimli can’t help but laugh.

BILBO Aragorn, you win! That was the dirtiest joke I’ve ever heard.

GIMLI I have to admit, that was pretty good.

ARAGORN Thank you, but let’s not forget that we’re all here to have a good time. Let’s put aside our differences and raise a glass to the winners and losers alike!

The hobbits and dwarves cheer, and the night goes on with much drinking and revelry. And for a brief moment, the two groups are united in their shared love of dirty jokes.

FADE OUT.