Diapers, Wigs, and Social Security

Title: Diapers, Wigs, and Social Security

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM

The show starts with our main character, JIM, sitting on his couch watching TV. Suddenly, his best friend, DAVE, bursts into the apartment, drunk and holding a dirty diaper and a wig.

JIM: Dave, what the hell is going on?

DAVE: Dude, you’re never going to believe what happened last night. I was at the Social Security Administration office and I saw this woman change her baby’s diaper right there in the parking lot. And then, she just left it there, with the wig!

JIM: A wig? What was a wig doing in the parking lot?

DAVE: I don’t know, man, but it was gross. And then, I was so drunk, I accidentally picked up the diaper and the wig and took them home with me.

JIM: Why would you do that?!

DAVE: I don’t know, man! I thought it was funny at the time!

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Jim’s landlord, MR. JOHNSON.

MR. JOHNSON: What’s going on in here, boys? I’ve been getting complaints from the neighbors.

JIM: Oh, sorry, Mr. Johnson. Dave had a little too much to drink last night and he brought a dirty diaper and a wig home with him.

MR. JOHNSON: A dirty diaper and a wig? Good lord. You boys need to clean up your act.

JIM: We will, Mr. Johnson. We promise.

Mr. Johnson shakes his head and exits the apartment.

JIM: Now what are we going to do with this diaper and wig?

DAVE: I don’t know, man. Let’s just throw them away.

JIM: But where? We can’t just leave them in the apartment building dumpster. That’s gross.

DAVE: I know! Let’s take them back to the Social Security Administration office and leave them there!

JIM: That’s a terrible idea.

DAVE: Come on, it’ll be funny!

JIM: Fine, but we have to be discreet about it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION PARKING LOT

Jim and Dave sneak into the parking lot, trying to avoid being seen by anyone.

DAVE: Okay, let’s just leave the diaper and wig by that car over there.

JIM: Are you sure no one will see us?

Suddenly, a group of drunk people stumble into the parking lot, shouting and laughing.

DRUNK PERSON #1: Hey, what are you guys doing over there?

JIM: Uh, nothing! Just, uh, looking for my keys!

DRUNK PERSON #2: What’s that you’re holding?

DAVE: Oh, this? It’s just a dirty diaper and a wig.

The drunk people burst out laughing.

DRUNK PERSON #3: You guys are crazy! Hey, let’s take a group photo with the diaper and wig!

Jim and Dave reluctantly agree to take the photo, trying to hide their embarrassment.

CUT TO:

EXT. TOM AND YANCEY’S CAR

Tom and his 17-year-old daughter, Yancey, pull up to the Social Security Administration office and park in the same spot where Jim and Dave left the diaper and wig.

TOM: Okay, let’s go in and get this over with.

YANCEY: Dad, what’s that on the ground?

Tom looks down and almost steps on the dirty diaper. He loses his balance and almost falls.

TOM: Oh, gross! What the hell is this?

Yancey picks up the wig and inspects it.

YANCEY: And what’s this? A wig?

TOM: What kind of place is this? A dirty diaper and a wig in the parking lot of a government building?

YANCEY: Dad, maybe we should just go inside and forget about it.

TOM: No, Yancey. This is unacceptable. We have to do something about this.

YANCEY: What do you suggest we do?

TOM: I’m going to go inside and file a complaint. This kind of behavior cannot be tolerated.

Yancey rolls her eyes and follows her dad inside the building.

CUT TO:

INT. SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION OFFICE

Tom storms up to the front desk, with Yancey trailing behind.

TOM: Excuse me, miss. I have a complaint to make.

FRONT DESK WORKER: Yes, sir. How can I help you?

TOM: I found a dirty diaper and a wig in the parking lot. This is unacceptable.

FRONT DESK WORKER: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, sir. We’ll make sure to clean it up right away.

TOM: Well, I certainly hope so.

As Tom and Yancey turn to leave, they hear a commotion behind them. Jim and Dave have just entered the building, still carrying the diaper and wig.

JIM: Excuse me, miss. We found this in the parking lot and we wanted to return it to its rightful owner.

FRONT DESK WORKER: Oh my God. Is that a dirty diaper?

DAVE: Yes, it is. And we also found this wig.

The entire office erupts in laughter and disgust.

TOM: What the hell is going on here?!

JIM: Oh, hey, Tom. We were just returning this diaper and wig.

TOM: You were what?! This is outrageous!

Yancey grabs her dad’s arm and tries to drag him out of the building.

YANCEY: Dad, let’s just go. This is too embarrassing.

TOM: No, Yancey. These people need to learn some basic hygiene and common sense.

The rest of the episode is a hilarious mix of Tom and Jim arguing with each other, Yancey rolling her eyes, and the Social Security Administration workers trying to maintain order while trying not to vomit. The episode ends with Tom and Yancey storming out of the building, with Jim and Dave still arguing about the diaper and wig.